Here are 13 Helpful questions to Ask your spouse before starting a family. I hope these questions help you and your spouse feel prepared. Parenthood is a beautiful journey. It is exhausting yet oh so rewarding!
1.) How many kids do you want to have? What is the least number of children? What is the highest amount of children?
I know this question might seem obvious but sometimes it’s a conversation that gets forgotten, despite it’s level of importance. This question can be broken down into three parts. These parts will help you both to have an open conversation. They will help you discuss what family looks like to you. Asking these questions also gives the opportunity to compromise if you can’t seem to agree on what you both want. I put the question ” what is the least amount of children?” because sometimes you think you want six children. However, after one or two, you realize that six is no longer what you want. Whatever you decide together, make sure it’s what’s best for you and your family. Lastly, a family of three (2 adults and 1 child) is still a family. Don’t let the world make you think it’s not.
2.) What do you think about stay at home moms? What do you think about working moms? How do you feel about me as either of these?
Only you and your family know what works best for you. There are positives and negatives to both options. One will give you an unforgettable amount of time with your little one(s). The other will let you continue being the person you’ve always been. You will just have new perspectives as a mother. I am now a stay at home mom. I find so much joy in being there for every little moment with my children. It brings me happiness. I also sometimes am overcome by shame and sometimes sadness because I feel I have forgotten who I was. The reality is Motherhood will change your identity. You will lose who you thought you were. You will become who you were meant to be! There is no right or wrong decision, working mom, stay at home mom, still a good mom!
3.) How long after birth, do I have to change my mind about my choice to stay at home or work outside of the home?
I wrote about this in a post recently. When you are expecting your first child, you think you will feel a certain way. You will want specific things. After that baby is in your arms, everything can change. Honestly, it probably will. It’s important to see if the choice to change your mind is even on the table. Because before motherhood you may wish to be the Boss babe that I know you are! After becoming a mother, you might be ready to give up your career aspirations. You could decide to exchange them for a rocking chair and a burp cloth.
However, things could change. You might think you were committed to staying at home. But you feel called to work outside the home. Whatever you are meant to do, talk about being human. Discuss timelines for changing your mind about work. This is a pretty good article about stay at home moms and working moms. It positively reminds the reader that no decision is wrong. They each come with challenges. The decision is always YOURS!
4.) What is something from your childhood you want to repeat with our children?
I love this question because it can become a deep conversation, or a lighthearted one, it can be as simple as ” my family and I used to have game night once a week, until I went off to college”. This is a positive memory that would replicate a feeling that was felt on those nights of fun with family. I listen to this podcast and the host said something along the lines of many decisions they have made in life were because they were chasing a feeling. Sometimes we are chasing a feeling and if it’s positive, why wouldn’t we want to replicate that experience for our children.
5.) What is something from your childhood you DO NOT want to repeat with our children?
This once again could be lighthearted or it could become a deep and serious conversation. Let this question be an opportunity to take a deep dive into how your partner feels about certain things. My biggest thing I didn’t want to repeat from my childhood was forcing my kids to finish their food, times have changed but I will never forget sitting at the table for over an hour trying to figure out how I was going to make those peas on my plate disappear! I still can’t eat peas until this day, and I absolutely refuse to serve them to my children!
6.) What values are most important to you, for us to instill in our children?
This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about, what’s important to you? From your Faith to Integrity, Morals and Character. Essentially this question is, “Who do you want to release into the World one day?”
7.) How were you disciplined as a child? Do you want to continue it with our children or change it?
Discipline is defined as: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. Everyone was raised differently, maybe you were never disciplined, maybe you were overly disciplined. This is the time to talk about what discipline looks like, what your parenting style will be and if you think the way you were disciplined as a child, helped or hurt you.
8.) What boundaries are important to you during pregnancy, after birth and when raising our children? If Any.
Probably one of my favorite words! BOUNDARY! During pregnancy, you may have a plethora of hormones, causing your mood to shift, the same can occur postpartum and that will all shape the boundaries you put in place about your children. For example, maybe your boundary is you don’t want people feeding your children things without your permission. Maybe you don’t want people to bring other children to your home to meet your newborn because as we all know, children carry germs. Whatever your boundaries are, they are YOUR boundaries and no one has to understand them, they just need to respect them!
9.)What is your role or responsibilities as a parent?
Shoot, this might be a good question to ask each other every couple of years! This question will give each of you the opportunity to share your perspective of what you think your role in parenting should and would look like? and will give the opportunity to share feedback and make adjustments or comments. Asking this question should lead you to understanding if you both are committed to night shift when baby cries or if only one of you is. It will also reveal how much of a partnership you each view parenting is.
10.) If complications arise during pregnancy or we get an unexpected diagnosis with our child. How can I help you cope? Who can I call to support you outside of myself? Are we open to other options to become parents? Adoption? IVF? Surrogate?
I hate even bringing this up, but I wouldn’t be authentic if I didn’t mention this. Always praying for all my readers to have beautiful birthing experiences and mothering journey’s. I just must always suggest this question to encourage you to know that if complications arise, and loss is involved, you are still a mother if you choose other ways to become one. In the midst of an unexpected diagnosis always get a second opinion but lean into your community for support. You don’t have to go through hard things alone.
11.) How will we keep our marriage a priority in the midst of raising children?
Some say your kids come first. In our home we say God first, Marriage second, Kids third. If we neglect our relationship with God our marriage begins to suffer, if we neglect our Marriage our children suffer. Essentially by prioritizing our marriage we are giving our children a home filled with Love, Peace, Joy and Order. We show our children that we love each other by going on date nights, by spending quality time together after putting our kids to bed and by being affectionate in front of our children. We want to be a representation of a Godly-marriage, that reflects the love of Christ. Choose how you will focus on your marriage before you have children so it won’t be as difficult to continue it after children come. This is one of the essential questions to ask your spouse when planning to start a family!
12.) What are your thoughts on education? Public School? Private School? Home School? Are we raising our children to get into good colleges?
This is something my husband and I didn’t even have an opinion on until after I gave birth to our first child. Now we are still mentally tossing a coin on what we think is best for our kids. Although children don’t typically start school until the age of five, I know the years pass by quickly. So this conversation is better had early on. Knowing the question about college is beneficial. It will help you decide. This choice determines if you want to set up a 529 education plan for them. Consider this from birth until college age. If you intend to focus on getting your children into a good college, you should start planning financially. A 529 education plan is a smart option for their future.
13.) What are your thoughts on childcare? Daycare? Babysitters? Do you have someone or a place you trust to care for our child or children?
Trusting someone or a facility to care for your child is extremely difficult. Figuring out who you can trust and recommended places you can trust to keep your children safe when you can’t be with them, is huge! Discuss this now, vet people and places now! It will give you peace of mind, before the time comes to actually have to leave your child for work or a simple date night!
Happy Planning,
xx Classically Faith xx
