Keeping Friends in the Midst of Motherhood can be challenging for many reasons but also can be rewarding. First, I would like to mention that I am not an expert on friendships or relationships, but I am human. I’ve been the single childless friend to a friend who is a mother, I’ve been the friend who is a mother when my friend(s) are not. I’ve also been a new mom who is friends with a seasoned mom. Last but not least, I have been the “seasoned” mom to a pregnant friend or friend who is new to motherhood. In each stage I have been a good friend at times and a terrible one. The truth is Motherhood changes many things, even your friendships or the dynamic of them, this is a good thing. Change is inevitable but for the friendships you decide are worth the effort, I’ll share what I do to maintain them.
1.) Reach out when they come to mind
This sounds so simple, but sometimes we overthink things, at least I know I do. I used to be a score keeping friend, what does that mean? I’d say things to myself like “I reached out last time, so they need to reach out to me next”. The reality is motherhood is already a huge transition in its self, losing a friendship you value over your ego isn’t worth it. When I think of a friend, I may not send a text immediately but usually the thought of my friend circles back around and I send a quick message like “Hey! You were on my mind. How are you?” I can almost always guarantee that sometimes that you reaching out might not be what YOU needed but sometimes what THEY needed.
2.) High Quality & Low Maintenance
I have a broad scope of friendships, my closest friends are the ones who I can have deep, true and authentic conversations with and require the least of me. We each define high quality, very differently, what makes someone a high quality friend to you? For me its someone who I feel energized, inspired or at peace when I’m around them. Life is too short to hang onto friendships that drain you especially in motherhood, being a mama is a lot of work, I don’t keep friendships that feel like work. Low maintenance meaning we both have a mutual understanding that life, Be “life-ing”. The intention to show up for every kids birthday celebration, gender reveal or baby shower is always there but sometimes life happens and you aren’t going to guilt me for it. The reality of expectations of a high quality and low maintenance friendship is, everything you want from it you must be willing to give. Value your friendship(s) enough to fill the small amount of time you have together with moments that make them ready to put the next get together on the calendar. In short commit to being a high quality, low maintenance friend and high quality and low maintenance friendships will gravitate towards you.
3.) Listen to Learn
My mind goes a thousand miles per a minute, I’m a quick thinker and an even faster speaker. I constantly am in a battle between my mouth and my mind, am I alone? Anyone out here with me? haha. Something I’ve put more effort into but have yet to perfect is being slow to speak and quick to listen. Giving my friends the opportunity to pour their heart out or share that thing they’ve been wanting to talk about. I know first hand when someone shares something troubling them, the first instinct is to share what you think may help or comfort them in the moment. In this situation intentions are great but the execution of them is bad. Think with me here, you are a busy mom who is finally meeting up with her friends, you are in the middle of sharing this amazing story. You’re friend is beyond excited after hearing the exciting news and interjects by saying how she knows this is what you’ve always wanted etc. Intention, GOOD, execution, BAD. As a Mama especially of young children, you live a life of being interrupted while talking and now your friend is doing it. So as I’m currently navigating this one, remember to Listen to learn, not to speak.
4.) Schedule time together
Just like anything that is important to you, you schedule it, time with friends is no different. Motherhood looks different for everyone, from a support system to a spouse which all affects the timeline on being able to schedule. Scheduling time shows intentionality, and shows that you are making an effort. Don’t we all want intentional people and relationships in our lives? I know I do. I’m the lover of a two week gap, what I mean by this is if I want to get together with a friend I typically am able to make myself available for one on one time within two weeks time. For some this may seem like I’m not prioritizing my friend(s) by not being available sooner. The truth is, I am NOT prioritizing my friendship but I AM valuing it. Valuing it by not committing earlier than I can, to end up canceling, valuing them by setting aside time dedicated to being present for our friendship. Motherhood is always the priority but the value of friendship shouldn’t be reduced.
5.) Be Flexible
Everyone’s life looks different from availability to budgets, sometimes you have to value a friendship by thinking outside of the box on how to spend time with each other. Recently a sweet friend who doesn’t have kids, met me where I was in life and came to spend some of her day with my girls and I, this blessed me. Another friend of mine suggested we do a family Costco Tour trip together, my husband and I had been wondering about getting a Costco Membership and I had been wanting to see my friend, it was a win because the husbands ended up pushing the kids in the carts while my friend and I shopped. I know that I plan on getting a pedicure, so do one of my friends, we make a point to get our pedicure done at the same place every couple months so we can catch up and get what we are already planning to do done. All I’m saying is meet your friends where they are and they’ll meet you where you are.
Life is complicated, Friendships don’t have to be,
xx Classically Faith
