The Truth about Toddlers & Tantrums

I’ve dedicated this blog and this space to be a place where you don’t have to put on a facade, where you can be your authentic-self, find stories that encourage and remind you that you aren’t alone out here. I genuinely was unsure about posting this one though, because like any mother I want to thrive, I want to be the best Mama to my babies. I truly want to look like I have it all together, but the reality is, I DON’T. If you do then homegirl “tell me your secrets”, cause this Mama is on the struggle bus when it comes to managing tantrums. If you are, have been or may soon be in the phase of parenting, welcome here is a little encouragement to help you push through and remind me that I’m not the only one.

1.) Tantrums are Normal

I think you need to read that again, shoot I have to read that again. Temper tantrums are a normal part of child development I will admit that temper tantrums that occur outside of the home honestly slightly embarrass me. Wait…is this safe space? Okay fine they more than “slightly embarrass” me, I honestly become mortified by the behavior. As a stay at home mom I constantly guilt myself about everything and this is just another thing. I take the way my child handles their frustrations or inability to fully explain their needs to be a “poor reflection of my parenting”. Essentially every time a tantrum occurs, I’m swimming in a mind full of thoughts that are negative about how and who I am as a mother. The truth is that temper tantrums are your toddlers way of expressing their feelings when they can’t find the right words or can’t seem to get their adult to understand. Knowing this doesn’t really change the way, I feel when they happen but knowing where the frustration comes from is helpful to better understand my child’s need.

2.) It’s actually not about you

Well I feel silly for even saying “I was embarrassed” haha, because it’s not about me. Tantrums typically occur when a child’s need isn’t being met. For example, they need sleep and and have been awake too long, they want something immediately but you said “wait” or “later”. If a child doesn’t understand these things they typically will still act out the only way they know how, which typically starts with tantrums. Turns out these tantrums aren’t a reflection of you as a parent or your parenting, it’s just a toddlers best form of expression when words won’t work. Sometimes I have explained a situation in every minor detail possible in hopes my toddler(s) would understand what I’m saying and not get frustrated but sometimes it still happens. So, don’t beat yourself up for the way, you think this behavior makes you look as a parent, we all have, are or will be there one day.

3.) What will the other moms say?

This is something I still struggle with as a recovering People Pleaser. I’ve come to realize that when Tantrums occur publicly, lets say in Target, and the screaming and crying begins. I calmly continue what I’m doing, where did I learn this you may ask? From the other moms who’s opinions I used to worry about. The reality is that when I’m out and about by myself and I see a mom struggling with her child who is having a tantrum. I acknowledge her with eye contact and a slight smile in hopes of silently relaying to her that, ” I too get it, girl! You are not alone”. The deal is as motherhood looks different these days, some of us stay at home, some of us work outside of the home or even work from home but one thing remains we don’t have time to waste! What I’m saying is we tend to the child and have to continue to get our shopping done. As a mom randomly shopping alone, I may not see you, I probably hear your child but I am not judging you or your child, but I am saying a little prayer for you inside. On behalf of the mom in the midst of a chaotic moment of crying, screaming and maybe some kicking; Thank you for releasing her of judgment, as their are already multiple things outside of temper tantrums that overwhelm her are more than you’ll ever know, the grace given is surely received and will be passed on.

4.) What am I supposed to do?

I’m preaching to myself over here because it’s easy to fight fire with fire, you are screaming crying? well I’m going to raise my voice too. Somethings that work for me, not always but sometimes are these. I remind my toddler that “screaming is for when you are in hurt or in danger” at home I remind her that it’s okay to cry, but it’s not okay to scream unless you are in danger, then I ask ” are you hurt? or in danger?” she always says “no” and tends to calm down. Secondly, I ask my girls to take a deep breath when they are having trouble expressing what they are feeling or needing. Breath work is a theme in our home, I do it when I need help working through things too, check out this post if you need help on a tough day. Back to the breath work! We love it, in our home because we find it important to give yourself a moment to settle your thoughts and get a grasp on how one truly is feeling. My oldest will often take deep breaths on her own without being asked and automatically after, says ” I feel better”. Only she knows if she truly feels better but typically the behavior stops and she’s onto the next thing. Last but not least, eye contact who would have thought getting my child to look me in the eyes would change everything. Now, the hardest part about this is getting your child to focus on you in the midst of all that emotion going on. If you can get your child to pause and lock eyes with you, it potentially will help calm the storm going on within them and bring them back to a place of center. Remember to give yourself grace and you’ll be able to extend it further!

Hang in there Mamas!

xx Classically Faith